(no subject)

there is a bit of spanish sorry but it is part of exploring Rays feeling most part of it is sort of a poem/prayer i wrote when the realisation of Mikeys problems sinks in ill translate the end


chapter 18:

Bob's POV:

Why Mikey i thought as i washed his hair to free it from its bloody contents. I could understand why Ray, Gerard and Frank loved him he was truly beautiful his appearence almost angelic so perfect. I placed a gentle kiss on the top of his head praying for him to wake up, i watched has the bandges on his stomach one again became soakes in blood how could he think he was fat i could see his ribs protruding sharply through his skin i could wrap my hand twice around his wrists and his legs were like sticks he needed to gain weight not loose it but he was perfect the way he was to me if he weighed 30 stone i wouldn't care he would still be beautiful to me. I noticed a large gash on his head with bits of glass in it he must have hit his head when he had fallen "Ray pass me the tweezers and an ice pack hes got glass in his head" i asked him but he didn't move he was sitting there rocking back and forth back and forth muttering under his breath "Frank sought out Mikeys head Gee you help him" i ordered before moving over to Ray to listen to what he was saying. "la oscuridad, los empates de oscuridad más cerca todo el color descolora a mi ángel muere así muero a mi alma volará para quedarse con mi ángel que la oscuridad no parará nuestro amor se despiertan mi ángel se despiertan" he wispered over and over again like a mantra no signs of stopping i didn't understand what he was saying it was all spanish i could only speak very basic but Ray never spoke spanish unless he was calling home " Ray baby stop it your scaring me look at me hes going to be ok i promise but only if you are there to support him " i told him but he didn't look up but he started muttering something else "despierte al ángel agradable despiertan me dejan sufrir en cambio dejan a la nube de oscuridad sobre mí y el brillo ligero en usted vivo en la paz lejos del dolor que causo soy un monstruo un demonio pero le amo" i regognised the words mosnter demon and i love you i think Ray had finally broken he couldn't cope anymore his feelings crushing his mind to many feelings rushing through him and i think he was blaming himself for what Mikey had done.
Ray didn't stop muttering hours had past now and Mikey had even shown signs of wakeing up he hadn't moved from the spot on the floor he just sat there Gerard had considered calling and amublance for him but he wasn't planning on actually doing that he was just hoping it would get a reaction but nothing happened Frank had even tried jumping on him but Ray just fell over didn't get up but carried on muttering i went over to talk to him again "Ray please baby wake up i need you to wake up i love you Mikey loves you Gerard and Frank loves you and we need you please i don't know what we will do without you " i begged him and i didn't think it would work but Ray stopped talking then he didn't move but he stopped talking "Ray can you here me" i asked again "Bob?" Ray replied "Yes baby im here" i told him very happy that he had spoke to me in english "whats going on why am i sitting here" he asked he was completly confused "Ray we found Mikey in the bathroom remeber he was ill and bleeding and then i asked you to pass me something but you sat here muttering in spanish over and over again for hours its almost 6pm and we found Mikey at 2am last night we couldn't move you we didn't want to hurt you" i explained as the realisation sunk into Ray "has Mikey woken up yet" he asked "not quite but he is getting better hes opened his eyes once or twice and hes moved his arm a bit we think give it a few hours and he'll be awake" i was hoping that would reasure him but it didn't he cried instead i held him close as he pounded at my arm and kicked at the floor if i didn't know him i would have thought he was insane "Ray why are you crying you have no reason to" i asked him lifting him off my chest and staring into his eyes "i don't know i don't feel right anymore everything seems diffrent" Ray was getting more distressed "Ray carm down your just worried about Mikey come on lets go have a lie down" i told him i helped him stand and we lay on the sofa still in sight of Mikey and i hugged Ray close and he ran his hand down my side i held my hand at the back of his neck and kissed him "everything is going to be fine Ray its going to get better we'll sort out Mikey we will show him he's perfect in any way possible" i kissed him again "agradézcale tanto Bobby" he wispered into my lips.

12 hours later:

Gerards POV:

Mikey had awoken suddenly a few moments ago and we were all crowded around him whilst he remebered why he was here. I watched as Mikey examined his bandages and and traced a hand over the ones on his stomach and pinched at his skin "Mikey don't do that baby we know why you did it and we want you to know your not fat your perfect we have been so scared that you wouldn't wake up i love you" i told him but he continued pinching at his skin " i am fat though Gee look at this its flab loads of it everywhere i'm a blob" he replied "Mikey you are not now stop it right now do you remeber what happened the other day" i asked him "yes you and Frank sucked me off and you saw how fat i was " he replied "no Mikey we did suck you off but all we saw was a pefect body so gourgous so sexy and you allways will be" Frank told him and Mikey blushed at the complements then he looked over at Bob and Ray still hugging on the sofa and his heart sank "whys Ray over there with Bob has he left me oh please god don't say hes left me" "no Mikes he hasn't left you its just this has made us all realise something we love each other all of us love each other more than friends more than family but as boyfriends i don't care that you my brother the others don't care either do you" i asked him and Mikey looked at Frank who nodded in agreement "i love you Gee i love you Frank and i love Ray and Bob its just i can't help feeling weird around you i enjoyed the other night so much but i don't like exposeing my body to other people it makes me feel sick and ugly " he explained to us "but Mikes we are not other people we are lovers and we think you are beautiful look i'll prove it lets wake Ray and Bob" Frank told him he then picked up the water bowl next to Mikey and poured it over Ray and Bob "get up you lazy fuckers Mikeys awake" they jumped up and looked at Mikey "MIKEY" they screamed in unison "i thought i'd lost you i love you Mikey please don't do that to us" Bob screached "no me abandone alguna vez otra vez mi amor" Ray spoke soothingly to Mikey and they both pulled him into a hug "no Ray i will never leave you im sorry all of you wait why am i still naked" he shrieked noticing finally that he was naked and thay he didn't care "Mikey you didn't care when you didn't know you were naked you see its all in your mind telling you your fat when actually you know that your not " i explained to him "ok but can i have my clothes back now i wanna get up and get some air its hot in here" he told me so we handed him his washed clothes and his boots and glasses.

Mikeys POV:

Gerard explained that all the horrible feelings i had got were just in my subconcious and that i didn't really believe it, i wasn't completly sure he was right but went along with it. I asked to go outside as it was to hot in the stuffy tour bus. they handed me my clothes and Bob assisted me in getting them on i was very gratful as i was in alot of pain i slid from the table and took a slow step forward but fell instantly and went crashing down "ow fuck Ray, Bob little help here" i asked and they lifted me back onto my feet Bob then lifted me into his arms and carried me outside i looked around noticing we were at a new venue and our van was in a field with the stadium next door. Bob sat me down on the hilly grass and the others sat around me it was lovely to be outside with the wind in my face but it also felt kind of scary to be in such an open area we lay there for a bit just staring at the sky looking at the clouds and deciding what they looked like Frank saying they all looked like skittles we lay there for about an our before it started to rain and i was tired "Bobby i'm tired can we go in now" i asked "sure baby what ever you want" and he picked me up and carried me up the hill towards the bus and i fell asleep in his arms.

translations:la oscuridad, los empates de oscuridad más cerca todo el color descolora a mi ángel muere así muero a mi alma volará para quedarse con mi ángel que la oscuridad no parará nuestro amor se despiertan mi ángel se despiertan

english:the darkness, the darkness draws closer the colour is fading my angel dies and I die with him my soul it will fly to remain with my angel that the darkness will not stop our love then wake up my angel wake up
its just a shitty thing i wrote

spanish:despierte al ángel agradable despiertan me dejan sufrir en cambio dejan a la nube de oscuridad sobre mí y el brillo ligero en usted vivo en la paz lejos del dolor que causo soy un monstruo un demonio pero le amo

english: awaken my sweet angel awaken allow me to suffer instead let the darkness cloud on me and the light sheen in living you in the peace far from the pain that I cause I am a monster a demon but I love him

another shitty thing i wrote but it kinda fits with Rays mind at the time

(no subject)

chapter 19

9th aprill

Frank's POV:

Its Gerards bithday today and we are all planning a suprise party for him it started this morning when we woke him with breakfast in bed and lots of hugs and kisses we then ran a bath full of oils and petals with candles around it, Bob then took Gerard out on a date to his favourite local restaraunt whilst we set up the party. Mikey was wrapping presents on the sofa he was still to week to walk on his own and couldn't blow up the balloons so i was doing that whilst standing on Rays shoulders i hung streamers everywhere and Ray baked a cake with an edibal photo of us all together on it and lots of bowls of party food. I had been told to stay away from the food untill it was time for it. We had each got him presents we thought he would love i had bought him a watch with the words love you for ever and allways on the back and several bags of skittles Ray had got Gee tickets to see the Misfits and iron maiden and a promise to teach him how to play guitar seeing as he had been nagging him for ages Bob was taking him on the date and was also giving him a hand made jacket that Gerard had seen in a shop when we took Mikey shopping a few weeks ago and Mikey had made him lots of photo albums of pictures of them together when they were children and when they were growing up and of us alltogether before and when we became a band he had also recorded a video message from all of us and the boys from Green Day had sent a tape aswell seeing as they couldn't make it to the party. We all knew Gerard didn't care for presents he just liked being with us but a party and presents were allways fun and we could allways make it a bit more exciting later. I wonder if i could sneak just 1 crisp of the table when there not looking "Frank don't touch the food ow fuck now look what you've done" Mikey had tried to stand on his own to stop me and had fallen over "Frank stop upsetting Mikey and do some work its not his fault he can't walk" Ray said sympathetically picking Mikey up off the floor kissing his better and going back to what he was doing "hey no fair i want kisses to i didn't meen to make Mikey get up and i was hungry i only wanted one crisp Gerard wouldn't mind " i said pouting slightly Ray smirked well maybe if you make it up to him you will get a kiss and a bit more probablly but NO CRISPS" i growled and stuck my tounge out at him but decided to go over and "make it up" to Mikey "Mikey baby are you ok you didn't get hurt did you"i asked him sitting down next to him "my mouth hurts a little could you kiss it better" boy did he know how to get you on his side i leaned in and kissed him on the corner of his mouth " anywhere else baby" i asked kissing him on the other side of his mouth "my chest is a little saw from the fall" "well we can't have that "i purred in his ear as i lifted up his shirt and kissed his chest running my teeth and swirling my tounge over each nipple i licked sucked and bit all the way over his chest i held onto his side and kissed moving further down "ahhh Frank that hurts oww stop your holding me on my stomach" he cried out and i looked at his chest to see the scars that Mikey had left behind split open again they had been doing that alot as they hadn't healed proparly crimson filled the word FAT on his chest and slowly slicked down his front "shit RAY GET MORE BANDAGES HES BLEEDING AGAIN" i cried out "it's ok Mikey im sorry i didn't meen to touch you there don't look at it RAY HURRY UP HES LOOSING MORE BLOOD" i screamed and Ray appeared with the first aid kit "Frank for fucks sake can't you even be left with Mikey for a few seconds without hurting him more move out the way" Ray told me crossly shuving me back so that he could reach Mikey "Ray i feel sick please stop it don't look at me " Mikey cried out he allways got really upset when the cuts bled again it made him think he really was fat and it made him feel very self concious. "Mikey don't look at it it's not true your gourgous now come on let me fix you up before Gerard gets back he won't want to have to worry about you on his birthday come on mi amor look at me not yourself" Ray told him and Mikey looked up at him tears streaming from his eyes as Ray washed off the blood and wrapped fresh bandage around him. "there sweet angel its gone now and don't ever believe what it says you are perfect in every way" Ray hugged Mikey close while he sobbed into his shoulder and once he carmed down he lay him down and told him to sleep for a bit "Frank a word please" he demanded through gritted teeth i reluctently got up and followed him into the kitchen "FRANK FOR FUCK SAKE HOW MANY BLOODY TIME ARE YOU GOING TO DO THAT TO HIM THAT IS THE SECONED TIME IN 5 MINUTES THAT YOU'VE HURT HIM FIRST MAKING HIM FALL OVER THEN BY MAKING HIM HAVE TO SEE HIS SCARS WHAT WERE YOU THINKING HE WAS ONLY TRYING TO MAKE EVERYTHING PERFECT FOR GERARD WHEN HE CAN'T EVEN WALK AND NOW HE HAS TO SLEEP BECAUSE YOU TOOK MOST OF HIS STRENGTH AWAY" Ray screamed in my face he was right i really am a clumsy oaf and now i had upset Ray and hurt Mikey which was going to upset Gerard when he gets back and Bob was bound to protect them and have a go at me "im sorry Ray really i am i didn't meen for it to bleed we were having a bit of fun and he let me take his shirt off and then it started bleeding i didn't intend for it to happen im sorry don't tell Gee and Bob please" i begged "Frank im not going to tell them but there going to notice that hes been bleeding again for the fact that he was getting some strength back and you've but him back ages now and you knew he didn't like seeing the scar and he had to look at it again so yes they will know what happened maybe it will be easyer if you tell them but after the party" Ray yelled at me still angry at me but didn't want to disturb a resting Mikey "now go wrap the last of the presents and STAY AWAY FROM MIKEY" i nodded and walked back into the room throughing an apologetic look at Mikey who was still sobbing quietly. After Ray finnished his work he sat with Mikey and spoke to him soothingly i was ashamed of what i had done and would have to pay for it i looked out to the window and saw Bob and Gerard approaching "quick there back" i told the others as the door opened.

Bob's POV:

"Were home" i cried out "HAPPY BIRTHDAY GERARD" we all cried out and Frank and Ray shot forward to hug him but Gerard wouldn't let them he just looked over at the tear stained face of Mikey and he shot over to him "Mikey whats up what happened as he looked at the blood stained bandages around his chest "it opened up again don't worry Gee happy birthday baby i love you" Mikey said in a faint voice, Gerard didn't seem to convinced but let it pass when Ray shook is head as if to say i'll tell you later. "Gee its present time open them in order starting with mine" i told him handing him present he grabbed it and ripped off the paper and squeeled loudly put on the jacket and hugged me tightly "i love it bobby its beautiful thank you" then i handed him Rays present which was the gig tickets and guitar lesson Gerard squeeled and hugged Ray tightly then it was Frank's present and when Gerard read the message he tackle hugged him to the floor and kissed him "thanks baby" i then helped Mikey sit up who winced in pain but wanted to be strong for his brother. Gerard looked through the photos of them as children happy and hugging then of the band alltogether and when he reached the back page he found 2 DVD's one read I LOVE YOU the other read Green Day "whatch Green Days video first then ours" Mikey told him and Gerard placed the disc into the player and watched as the Green Day boys sang happy birthday and wished him all the best and the video finnished with them strangling each other and eventually knocking over the camera. Gerard changed the disc to the one labled I LOVE YOU it started with Ray "happy birthday Gee you meen so much to me i don't know what i would do with out you have a fantastic day you deserve it" it then cut to Frank "yo dude happy birthday your the greatest i love you " now it was my turn "Gee i love you so much you taught me not to act tough all the time when i wasn't especially when i was feeling my worst you showed me how to be myself no matter what and i love you so much for it happy birthday GeeBear. Can you get that camera away from me now "no" get it the fuck away from me " it ended with me punching the camera out of Rays hands and then we edited the video off a new camera of Mikey "Gerard you are my big brother my sweet angel my protecter you showed me what i had to live for and to be strong and how to tell you if something was wrong i know ive done may stupid things latley once that meant i could have died and i would never get to see you again but you helped me through it and you haven't yet lost your temper with my weaknesses and being unable to do much lately id be dead with out you i love you so so much" Mikey was crying in the video and was crying now infact we all had tears in our eyes and Gerard gently hugged Mikey trying not to hurt him "you are not weak you didn't do anything stupid it wasn't your fault and no matter what happens i will be with you forever and allways i don't care how long it takes for you to get better as long as your with me now rest Mikey sleep and dream of happy times of us alltogether" Mikey slowly closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep i sat Gerard on my knee and wispered to him "your a great man Gerard Way a great great man now cheer up and enjoy the party whilst Mikey sleeps" "WE HAVE SKITTLES" Frank added on "ok its party time i want birthday cake" Gerard made his way over to the table and stared at the picture on the cake and let out a happy sob "its beautiful Ray you did a great job" and Gerard then grabbed a knife and we cut the cake together as a new family of sorts.