(no subject)

chapter 3

2am
Mikey's POV :

Its late every one else is asleep in there bunks but i can't fall asleep, i know why its something that has been bugging me for a while now but i can't tell anyone they'd think i was a freak and kick me out of the band and then i'd have nothing or know one. Why doe's everything have to be so hard all i want to do is get on with my life just being me but i can't if know one will except me for me but what sought of guy wants to wear girls clothes more than guys clothes what sought of guy dreams of being a girl well i do but they won't understand i meen its not as if i want a sex change cause i really really don't i just want to be able to dress how i wanna dress. This is cutting me up in side i can't live like this i really can't some times i just feel like ending it all, to drag that knife to deep one last time. I look down at my bleeding wrist's its not deep enough for me to die but im to scared to cut deeper i just like watching the blood flow down my arm because just for that moment i forget i forget all the pain that i have to go through all day i can forget the weird looks i get off my friends as if they are looking down at me for some reason that i don't know. Oh im so tired but if i sleep i will have to wake up to another day of hell.

Narrators POV:
As Mikey slowly drifted off into a deep restless sleep his brother who was lying in the bunk above heard him turning restlessly and began to worry as he had heard Mikey turn like this every night for weeks now but had just thought of it as bad dreams but tonight was something different he could here Mikey breathing irratically so he knew he wasn't sleeping. Gerard lay still listening to his brother hearing his breathing slowly even out has he drifted off to sleep. As soon as he was certain Mikey was fast asleep he climbed down from his bunk and walked over to Mikey's bunk and quietly pulled back the curtain he looked down at his younger brothers face and all he could see was pain etched across his young face as he turned from side to side in his bed Gerard's eyes looked from one end of his brother to the other his eyes slowly resting on his arms and the blood stained pyjama's ans bed sheets.

Gerard's POV:
I raised my hand up to my mouth to muffle the loud gasp as i looked at my baby brother and at the damage he had inflicted upon himself . A tear ran down my cheek, why hadn't i noticed there was something wrong before so many scars on his arms he must have been cutting for at least a year i am such an idiot. I looked closely at his oh so thin body and realised how much of a child he looked whilst he was asleep i just wanted to cradle him in my arms and tell him it was ok that i wouldn't let anything harm him and that i would protect him from what ever was causing him to do this to himself. I took another look at his wrists and noticed how much blood he was loosing i didn't know what to do so i ran to the other end of the bunk room and awoke ray as i knew he would understand and help me .

Ray's POV:

I was awoken suddenly by Gerard who had tears pouring down his cheeks he looked terrified. I sat up suddenly and grabbed Gerard by the shoulders i asked him what was wrong "It's Mmikey h he's theres something wrong he's cut himself help me ray i don't know what to do " He cried as he collapsed into my arms sobbing, i dragged him over to Mikey's bunk and took one look at his small body there was something serious troubling but that could wait right now i had to stop the bleeding i asked Gerard to go fetch two towels and a bowl of water, he quickly hurried back with what i had asked for i took one of the towels dipped it in the water and gently wiped the blood from Mikey's arms. After cleaning away the worst of the blood i noticed that the cuts weren't that deep and that he would be fine i put a bandage around his cuts i asked Gerard if he wanted to stay with him till morning as i didn't think it was a good idea to leave him on his own in case he woke up and freaked out he agreed and went to fetch his duvet and wrapped it around himself and me as we lay against the side of Bob's bunk and watched Mikey sleep restlessly till morning

(no subject)

chapter 4

Mikey's POV

I awoke to feel something wrapped tightly around my wrists i also noticed that my bunk curtain was open and that Ray and Gerard were sitting asleep with a duvet wrapped around them. I looked down at my arms and saw all the blood oh god they didn't find me like this did they, why does everything have to go so wrong for me there gunna hate me for sure now there gunna find out everything.

Ray's POV:

I heard some one moving and i imeadiatly opened my eyes to see a terrified Mikey looking between me and Gerard. I nudged Gee in the ribs and he woke with a start and looked around but then his eyes settled on Mikey and i could see nothing but love and concern for his brother in his eyes.

Gerard's POV

Ray poked me in the ribs to tell me Mikey had woken up i looked over at him he looked awful. i stood up and went and sat on the bed next to him and i watched as he just pulled himself into the corner of his bunk and pulled his legs up to his chest and put his head on his lap he started to shake so i pulled myself over to him and rapped my arm around him " why Mikey why did you do it why didn't you tell us something was wrong we would have listened and helped you any of us would have" he began to shake more and i noticed that he wasn't shaking he was crying heavily i tried to hush him but he just cried harder " Mikey stop crying please whats wrong you can tell us please stop " i was starting to cry to now as i pulled Mikey in to a hug. Ray had joined us on the bed now and had hold of Mikeys hand and was rubbing soothing circles on his hand. Mikey suddenly looked up and looked me and Ray straight in the eye "im sorry " he sobbed "im so sorry i didn't meen for you to find out its just i don't think i can go on anymore" he cried as he tucked his head into my shoulder and cried silently. Ray edged forward and sat on the other side of Mikey " Mikey you can talk to us about anything we'll understand we wouldn't judge you just talk to us " Ray said to Mikey who was slowly carming down.

Ray's POV:

Mikey looked up then and looked me in the eye " i want to tell you guys but i can't im scared that you'll hate me and that you won't want to know me anymore " he quickly looked away again and started sobbing in Gee's shoulder again "Mikey nothing you can ever say to us will make us hate you, you are our friend and we love you don't we Gee" i told him as Gerard nodded. Mikey sat up once more and started fiddling with the hem of his sleeve and rubbing his hands together.

Mikey's POV

I knew that i had to tell them now and that they weren't going to leave it untill i did i looked them both in the eye and saw the understanding that they felt i realised then that even if they didn't agree with what i had to say they would never hate me for it and that they wouldn't treat me like a freak. Ok this was it it was now or never "i feel like such a freak i didn't know what to do it started a while ago i realised i was diffrent then every one else but i couldn't put my finger on it then i started dreaming about every day life but the only diffrence being i was a girl i wasn't me but i felt more comfortable in the girls clothes but it wasn't as if i wanted a sex change it was just i want to be accepted for who i am " i told them all of it and looked at the look of shock but kindness on there faces after a few minutes Ray spoke up "so lets see if i got this right your gay" "yes" " and you prefer dressing like a girl that a guy because you feel like you can be yourself better that way " "and why didn't you just tell us before you nonce its no big deal" he said finishing with a massive grin across his face. I looked over at my brother who still hadn't said a word he still apeared to be in shock and it looked like he wasn't going to be as understanding as Ray.

Gerard's POV

I can't believe he didn't tell me this before he's meant to be my brother he's meant to trust me, i meen its not like i would hate him for being gay or a cross dresser he's my baby bro and i love him i just wish he had the confidence to tell me before. Well i can't talk about confidence he came out and im still scared to what an idiot i am. Oh damm hes looking at me as if he's on the verge of tears again " Mikes im so proud of you for telling us but why didn't you tell me before " i asked him " i couldn't tell you Gee i didn't even want to admit it to my self i felt wrong i felt like a freak i thought you'd hate me " " Mikey like Ray said you are a complete nonce sometimes i'd never hate you " i started laughing when i finished that sentence and the other soon joined in before Ray spoke again " look i tell you what Mikes later on when the others wake up we'll call a band meeting and we can tell the other's we can tell them if you don't want to but once they know do you wanna go shopping and get you some clothes that you feel comfortable in " Mikey looked at him and pulled him into a hug "thank you so much Ray but i really think you will have to tell them i don't think i can " he finished that sentence by pulling us both into a hug and kissed us both on the cheek and then got up and looked back with a smile saying "coffee anyone" and we laughed.

(no subject)

chapter 5

band meeting

Mikey's POV

I was so nervous i was sitting in between Gerard and Ray who were sitting opposite Frank and Bob. I was shaking again and felt like i was gunna cry at any moment and apparently ray sensed that as he grabbed my hand a stroked it, it eased my nerves a bit but not for long as Ray spoke up "guy's last night we found Mikey in his bunk with blood poring from cuts on his wrists that he had inflicted upon himself" he stopped to lt that part of the news sink in i watched as Frank gasped and Bob looked down at his hands utter shock and i noticed a few tears welling up in his eyes "the reason he did this was that he felt that he couldn't talk to us about something that has been distressing him for quite a while now, i don't know wether he wants to tell you himself or wether he wants me or Gee to say it but Mikey there not going to judge you they wouldn't dream of it" Ray looked at me to see wether i was going to speak or not i knew with the support of my friends on either side of me i would have to tell them myself and this was it "umm the reason i cut myself was that iii" i was crying again like a 5 year old girl who'd lost there lollipop, Gerard pulled me into another hug and mader shushing noices in my ear i couldn't do this i couldn't tell them i got up and ran back into the bunk room and climbed into the corner of my bunk again. I felt some one sit down next to me on my bunk and looked up to see Gerard there eyes filled with kindness " i can't do it Gee i can't im not strong like you " "Mike's its ok Ray is gunna tell them for you its better that they know now than later because if they know you don't have to hide your true self anymore" he told me as i rocked back and forth on my bed " i know Gee but im scared of what they are gunna think of me they might think im a freak they might not understand like you and Ray" "they will baby bro they will understand ".

Ray's POV:

After Mikey had run out and Gerard had gone after him i knew it was up to me to explain to the others what all the was about " right well it looks like its up to me to tell you but you hav to understand Mikey is very upset and thinks you will think him a freak " " we would never think he was a freak why would he think that" Bob said without looking up from his hand's "last night he told us how he felt he couldn't be himself as he felt that we wouldn't accept him the thing is he is gay but its not just that either he prefers to wear girls clothes and doesn't feel comfortable in his body but its not that he wants a sex change he just wants to be accepted". I watched the expressions which didn't change then Bob looked up "is that all he was worried about that we wouldn't accept him for himself did he think we were all a bunch of homophobes or summin" he said " no Bob he was scared you can understand can't you" i asked him "of course i can he still Mikey nothings changed actually im rather happy for him maybe its time i told the truth to " " what do you meen Bob " "im gay dumb ass so what no biggy now im going to go talk to Mikey" and with that he stood up and walked out of the living area " well thats not a convosation you hear everyday" Frank said before bursting out laughing on the floor "what do you meen frank " well that make a total of 3 poofters on the bus now " "what do u meen 3 theres only OH i see i didn't think you would be" " took ya long enough Ray i meen have you ever noticed the pink belts and tshirts with homophobia is gay written on them i was kinda obvious" "ok is this national come out of the closet day or summin cause im gay to" now that was the final straw we were both laughing so hard that Gerard had come in to see what was going on "whats so funny you guys and why did Bob ask to speak to Mike's alone" that just made me crack up even more so after a few more minutes of uncontrolable giggle fits me and Frank had sat our selves back down and explained what was o funny. "Gee we have desided to name this day national come out of the closet day " " why only Mikey has come out " " not so my dear friend " Frank piped up " mister muscle, the fro man and me are to " Gerard just looked at us as if we were crazy and then shrugged his shoulders as if to say fair enough and walked out again.

ok thats chapter 5 and chapter 6 should be along later i really don't like this chapter it was to long in places and to short in others but i hope it will improve as it goes along all comments are appreciated

(no subject)

chapter 6

Bob's POV:

I walked over to Mikey who was still crying on his bed he heard me coming as he looked up in utter fear and pulled his legs up to his chin and start muttering "don't say it Bob i know im a freak just don't say it " i moved closer to him and reached out to put my arm round him and he pulled himself further away "don't hurt me please hate me if you want just don't hurt me " he was cowering in the corner he looked so fragile and small compared to everything else i sat down " Mikes im not gunna hurt you why would i do something like that" "cause im a freak im not normal its unnatural to want to be a girl " " Mikey you are not a freak Ray has told us everything and now i have something to tell you" he looked up in confusion "what is it " "well when you ran out and Ray explained why i felt seeing as you had come out the closet maybe i should to so i did and then Frank being typical Frank made a joke about coming out and then confessed he was Gay to soon followed by Ray thats why you could probably hear us laughing " Mikey was now looking at me in shock " you? your gay but you don't seem gay neither does Ray and Frank was kinda obvious but i didn't think you were" "it was all an act dude just like you i didn't think you and the others would accept me either" " ok now i feel stupid cause when Gee followed me he told me he thought he was gay to " " your not stupid Mikes infact you very brave and smart i meen how did you keep this from us for so long" "thanks Bob it really meens alot to me " " its ok Mikey now im sure i heard Ray mention something about a shopping trip lets get the others and get going theres no show tonight it the tour doesn't start officially till the end of the week " Mikey then pulled me into a hug kissed my cheek causing me to blush and he then got up and walked back out to the living room what is it with the Way's and there adorableness.

At the shopping centre.

Ray's POV
I had never been one for shopping but seeing the happy smile on Mikeys face as we went from shop to shop picking out loads of outfits and the fact he kept asking me to come into his changing room so he could ask my opinion on his outfits. One outfit he showed me was of him in black tights with red flames on with a black mini skirt with dark purple netting underneath with red ribbons laced on the top with a black shirt which had thoose sleeves that hang down in a v shape that female vampires usually have in movies he also had on a pair of new rocks no.262 he had put on some thick eyeliner and he had some black arm warmers with zip sand buckles that had a pearl bead hanging off he looked unbelievable that i was lost for words thankfully Bob and Gerard burst in at that moment causing Mikey to pull the curtain around him so that they couldn't see "lets see Mikes come out we won't laugh" Gerard called out "yes come on out why are you only letting Ray see we wanna glimpse of the new you as well" Bob called out as well. Mikey slowly pulled back the curtain and showed them Gerard starred in amazement at how Gourgous his brother looked whilst Bob just wolf whistled "nice Mikey good choice it really suits you" Mikey smiled a thanks at Bob and then looked to his brother for the ultimate approval "what do you think Gee you don't think i look weird do you" " umm no uh wow i think you may just have out sexyed me bro" Mikey smiled but Bob thought it was a good moment to speak "yes but Gee it doesn't take much to be sexier then you" Mikey laughed whilst Gerard smacked Bob on the harm "carful not to damage your handbag darling" Bob added as he ran out of the changing room as Gerard gave chase .

Mikey's POV:

As the boy's finnished there shopping trip and had gone back to the bus i couldn't help but feel incredibly happy but there was still something nagging at my insides that i wasn't sure of. it had been something i had felt for a while but had just thought of it as nothing that it was just part of me feeling unaccepted but now i knew that it wasn't the case because my friends were more than understanding of my problems and hadn't treated me any different than they had before but this feeling was just growing inside me now that i had come out it was a good feeling that i felt only when with the rest of the band but i didn't know what it was. We were all sitting in the living space doing out own thing and i was sitting on the sofa watching all of them whilst watching them i noticed that they kept gazing at one another but looking away if one of the looked up i noticed that Gerard kept looking at Ray and Bob was staring at Gerard whilst Frank was watching Bob but why was Ray looking at me he keeps taking quick glances at me with his beautiful eyes he saw me looking and quickly looked away but before he did that feeling in my stomach grew stronger again and made me feel sick i quickly ran out of the room and into the toilet and emptied the contents of my stomach into the toilet bowl, i sat up against the side of the toilet between the wall and i felt tears fall down my cheek i knew now why i was feeling like this i had fallen in love with Ray but i knew he would not love me like this i looked down at my self and realised how fat i was how could he ever love a whale like me i rushed back to the toilet bowl and through up again i flushed and walked over to the sink i pulled out Rays razor seeing as i didn't own one of my own and nether did Gerard it was part of the Way curse, i pulled the blade against my pale skin i did this repeatedly and watched the blood flow down the sink leaving behind a faint red trail on the white of the sink. I heard some one hammering at the bathroom door it was Bob he must have heard me throwing up, i couldn't let him see me like this he'd tell the others " Mikey are you ok" he called "yes im ok leave me alone" "let me in Mikey i heard you throwing up show me your alright " "Bob please just go i want to be on my own" i was begging now "Mikey if you don't let me in now i am going to get Gerard " Bob threatened, i couldn't let him tell Gerard he would never forgive me i broke my promise i knew i had no choice but to let him in.

Bob's POV:

I had Mikey throwing up violently in the bathroom as i walked past and then heard faint sobbing, some thing deffinetly wasn't right i knocked on the door and asked wether he was ok he just told me to go away that really wasn't good i asked again this time saying that if he didn't let me in i would have to fetch his brother i could sense that he was crying again and i heard shuffling by the door and the lock click as Mikey's head poked around the tour eyeliner mixed with tears pouring down his cheeks i pushed past him and shut the door so it was just me and him i looked at his face and saw that he had barley any colour left i then noticed the blood dripping from his sleeves. Oh god he had self harmed again "why Mikey why did you do this" i asked but Mikey was swaying from side to side and then fell to the ground with a soft thump in a small pile on the ground " Mikey, MIkey please wake up please MIKEY!!" i ran to the door "GERARD, RAY COME HERE QUICKLY ITS MIKEY ".